I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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