you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
