Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
