You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
