It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
