i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
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I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
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Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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