sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
