Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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