my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
