If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
