told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
