Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Why is your signature on my underwear?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
