Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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