I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
