"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
