Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
