the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
