got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
