just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
