It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
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Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
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I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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