I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I could fuck to npr.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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