3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
