When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
