yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
