oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
