Too much gin, very little bucket
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
