OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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