Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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