it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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