I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
