Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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