end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
