Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
So apparently I’m into choking now
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