I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
