At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
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