i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
