highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
