i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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