I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
