Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
