On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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