He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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