If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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