I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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