That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
