I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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