The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
