I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Randomize
