I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
is it fun? or sober?
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