Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
