Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
