The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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