When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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